Comments on: Why Don’t You Just Adopt?

By: They Just Don’t Get It, They’ll Never Get It | Infertility Is The New Black

They Just Don’t Get It, They’ll Never Get It | Infertility Is The New Black — Thu, 17 Sep 2009 20:38:42 +0000

[...] beyond the comments that are off-the-cuff (see the article Why don’t you just adopt? posted below), lets delve further into some conversational pieces that arise now and then. Two [...]

By: Erin

Erin — Wed, 29 Jul 2009 18:30:26 +0000

Patrice, I like your comment.

One of my best friends (after 5 years of infertility) adopted her first daughter from China three years ago. That process only took a few years and tens of thousands of dollars. They’ve been trying to adopt a second child for almost two years. The adoption agency they’re using just declared bankruptcy. Their money (along with that of almost 400 other familes) is gone. Unrecoverable. Sadly, so is their baby with whom they had yet to be matched. I cannot even fathom their pain at this loss.

So, maybe people should educate themselves so they can understand that adoption isn’t actually all that easy. It’s also not everyone’s choice. I have never spoken (outside of my VERY tight circle) about my struggle to build a family. This is why – I don’t want to hear people’s insensitive and stupid comments. But maybe if people saw the pain, they might learn a bit from it.

By: ITNB

ITNB — Tue, 14 Jul 2009 18:15:51 +0000

Well said Carrie! Perfect, detailed example of the feelings associated with the need to have the entire preganancy experience and the child too. We love all the comments our blog has generated. Visit early, visit often. Thanks again!

By: Carrie (aka Caretta74)

Carrie (aka Caretta74) — Tue, 14 Jul 2009 17:56:03 +0000

This is one of my personal favorite comments to hear. Especially when people say “why don’t you JUST adopt?” Okay that is wrong on so many levels! First of all it isn’t “just” adopting! Most of the time, people have NO idea of the process, cost, and intensity involved in adopting! Secondly, most women, in my opinion, would prefer to have the pregnancy experince in addition to having a baby! It isn’t about “just” having a child, but I have always dreamed of what it would feel like to feel a baby in my womb! As young girls, most of us had baby dolls, and I know for myself, I always wanted to be a Mommy! Not that adopting doesn’t make you a Mom. I don’t mean that at all. I just want to experience carrying a child, going for sonograms, hearing a heart beating inside of me (other than my own of course), and actually experience the birthing experience! It is so frustrating for people who have no idea what it feels like to walk in an infertile’s shoes to offer advice! I hear comments all the time that just infuriate me! Like the commenter above said….the people making these comments, are usually the ones that have never experienced infertility! It is a journey like none other! I always think, I would NEVER offer suggestions to someone who is battling cancer, because I haven’t ever had to live with a battle like that. Infertility is just the same! Also inportant to note. In our culture we are taught from a young age that if you work hard enough and want something badly enough, you can accomplish anything! This is simply not true when dealing with infertility! You can do every single possible thing in your power, and still end up never being pregnant. A very sad truth! My .02! Thanks for the blog – love it!! Carrie

By: Patrice (aka Infertility Warrior)

Patrice (aka Infertility Warrior) — Wed, 08 Jul 2009 18:02:49 +0000

I think a wonderful reply to that question is “Why didn’t you adopt?” Especially if they cite “so many children needing homes.” I would love the fertiles to be asked this questions too. It’s assumed that just because something is difficult or needs medical treatment, people should just accept a different option.