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If friends of yours know you are struggling to conceive they will, at some point, ask that question. We are going to discuss why they ask it and why it’s so wrong to ask it.
We already know that folks who have children have absolutely no clue when it comes to giving support to their infertile friends. They really don’t get it do they? When the above question is asked of us it seems like they’re saying “Well, you tried, just take the next logical step and get your family started.” Other things it appears they are saying are, “We have our own child(ren), so for you adopting will be just like that,” and “Adoption is an easy thing, so get on it.”
Sometimes you get a variation of the question in more of a presented story kind of way. For example, “A friend of mine at work just brought her adopted child into the office, he/she is beautiful.” That basically is telling us to adopt as well.
What we as infertile couples actually hear and think when we are asked that question is really this; “Too bad you’re barren, time to go a different direction, never mind that you will never have the birthing room experience nor get the nine months of planning a nursery etc…” It is this insensitivity to our emotions that we just don’t need to add to our current pile of mess. It appears they think there is a switch that you can just flip that would take us from trying to have our own biological child to an adopted one in the blink of an eye.
Maybe adoption is part of our overall plan or at least it may have been discussed as an option. However, for us to consider adoption just because someone asked us a short, simple question is outrageous. Never mind that the person asking is clueless about our current infertility woes and all the processes we’ve been going through for however many years, but they are also clueless about all the time, effort and possible disappointment that would be involved in a potential adoption. I wonder if these folks were thinking about having a home study done while they were pregnant?
The above question, which is common, is one of those sticky subjects that you just don’t ask of infertile couples. You just don’t ask it period. There are many more we will get into down the line. This one and 5 others made a top 6 list at a great website called the Infertility Warrior blog. The full list can be found here.
July 8th, 2009 at 11:02 am
I think a wonderful reply to that question is “Why didn’t you adopt?” Especially if they cite “so many children needing homes.” I would love the fertiles to be asked this questions too. It’s assumed that just because something is difficult or needs medical treatment, people should just accept a different option.
July 14th, 2009 at 10:56 am
This is one of my personal favorite comments to hear. Especially when people say “why don’t you JUST adopt?” Okay that is wrong on so many levels! First of all it isn’t “just” adopting! Most of the time, people have NO idea of the process, cost, and intensity involved in adopting! Secondly, most women, in my opinion, would prefer to have the pregnancy experince in addition to having a baby! It isn’t about “just” having a child, but I have always dreamed of what it would feel like to feel a baby in my womb! As young girls, most of us had baby dolls, and I know for myself, I always wanted to be a Mommy! Not that adopting doesn’t make you a Mom. I don’t mean that at all. I just want to experience carrying a child, going for sonograms, hearing a heart beating inside of me (other than my own of course), and actually experience the birthing experience! It is so frustrating for people who have no idea what it feels like to walk in an infertile’s shoes to offer advice! I hear comments all the time that just infuriate me! Like the commenter above said….the people making these comments, are usually the ones that have never experienced infertility! It is a journey like none other! I always think, I would NEVER offer suggestions to someone who is battling cancer, because I haven’t ever had to live with a battle like that. Infertility is just the same! Also inportant to note. In our culture we are taught from a young age that if you work hard enough and want something badly enough, you can accomplish anything! This is simply not true when dealing with infertility! You can do every single possible thing in your power, and still end up never being pregnant. A very sad truth! My .02! Thanks for the blog – love it!! Carrie
July 14th, 2009 at 11:15 am
Well said Carrie! Perfect, detailed example of the feelings associated with the need to have the entire preganancy experience and the child too. We love all the comments our blog has generated. Visit early, visit often. Thanks again!
July 29th, 2009 at 11:30 am
Patrice, I like your comment.
One of my best friends (after 5 years of infertility) adopted her first daughter from China three years ago. That process only took a few years and tens of thousands of dollars. They’ve been trying to adopt a second child for almost two years. The adoption agency they’re using just declared bankruptcy. Their money (along with that of almost 400 other familes) is gone. Unrecoverable. Sadly, so is their baby with whom they had yet to be matched. I cannot even fathom their pain at this loss.
So, maybe people should educate themselves so they can understand that adoption isn’t actually all that easy. It’s also not everyone’s choice. I have never spoken (outside of my VERY tight circle) about my struggle to build a family. This is why – I don’t want to hear people’s insensitive and stupid comments. But maybe if people saw the pain, they might learn a bit from it.
September 17th, 2009 at 1:38 pm
[...] beyond the comments that are off-the-cuff (see the article Why don’t you just adopt? posted below), lets delve further into some conversational pieces that arise now and then. Two [...]