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By Paige, Guest Author for ITNB
I’d like to offer up my congratulations to the ITNB blog hosts for stating outright that “Stories that end with a child can be found elsewhere… if you want to find those type of comments, there are plenty of other forums out there for that purpose.”
Amen! My husband and I have had a theory (long before we found out we were infertile) that when people have babies, they sort of lose their frontal lobes, you know that part of the brain the helps you understand other people’s theory of mind—that perhaps not everyone is quite as enamored with your little one as you are. This phenomenon can manifest itself as anything from a 3 year old running amok during a funeral service to the endless clucking of mother hens about this birth weight and that milestone. We had postulated that perhaps the deep breathing of Lamaze, a few sleepless nights, or strong diaper fumes had somehow asphyxiated the brain cells of previously grounded and reasonable people. We had not considered that the force could be so strong as to extend to people whose child-rearing gong show was prefaced by a lengthy struggle with infertility. I expected more from these people.
I expected that the ability to empathize and relate to the struggles of the infertile would most easily be mastered by someone who has (to borrow Melissa Ford’s metaphor) previously been an inhabitant of the Land of IF. In fact, this is not so. As I take my own private and painful journey through infertility, hoping to quell my loneliness in the warm blanket of shared experience, I google and ogle my way through infertility blogs. In my thirst for descriptions of the patience and emotional angst of infertility, I find myself constantly barging straight into someone’s online shrine to their miracle child. Pictures of said miracle baby (replete with birth weight and milestones) abound. Sorry, wrong room, my mistake!
My plea to the newly (and happily) fertile: Please, when the infertility door in your life closes, and for god’s sake shut down your infertility blog! Flex those frontal lobes and recall for a nanosecond how it felt to have no baby in your arms. Then, by all means start a new blog where you and your precious gift can cavort about in virtual nirvana without creating awkward and painful moments for the rest of us online who are still here. Infertility is clearly not your focus anymore, stop throwing it in our faces!
What is behind this behavior? This is another of my theories, but I think infertility is an inherently inwardly focused experience: we keep it secret; we scrutinize our levels and counts; we listen for every cramp, every twinge; we work in our bedrooms; we live in our underwear; we search (literally within ourselves) for answers. We look and we look and we forget that we are not alone. When people say goodbye to that time in their life, I assume it’s like childbirth, you forget the pain every time you look at the child—and that’s good. It’s why my friend who was in my position at one time thought it was a good idea to go out for coffee so she could surprise me with her 5-month bump! But no matter how good your memory, how big your frontal lobes, how inspiring you think your story is, it is your story, not mine and you have no business blogging about your parenting experience on a blog with an infertility tag line.
ITNB would like to thank Paige for this Blog Post the nice congratulations and her welcome feedback. We couldn’t agree more!!
December 11th, 2009 at 8:43 am
What a great post. I now have 3 separate lists on my Google reader: IF, Preggers, and Has Kids. I was tired of getting assaulted by PG announcements and pics of babies and birth stories. While I’m very happy for the folks that I follow who are no longer infertile, it’s still painful to read. I don’t know if I agree with shutting down IF blogs once we graduate to F – I still think they’re a valuable tool to have out there on the web. Perhaps starting a new one? Or making it clear to readers that the blog has transitioned to a new focus? Either way, there needs to be sensitivity to those readers who are still IF and dealing with it, esp from IF bloggers who graduate successfully.
December 11th, 2009 at 8:46 pm
Couldn’t have said it any better than this:
“…that when people have babies, they sort of lose their frontal lobes.” As an infertile dealing with a BFF who’s set to be induced on Monday, I can completely relate to that statement. It’s so bizarre!
On the IF blog to parenting blog topic, I’d be fine if they just e-mailed Mel to have them move their blog to the Parenting room…or even just add (Parenting) or (Pregnant) next to the blog if they want to stay in the same room. Mel does that for a lot of them, but I assume she only doesn’t if people let her know. I just don’t like the surprise part!
December 27th, 2009 at 9:37 pm
I often find myself glazing over while listening to women recount their ‘battles’ with infertility, usually while they wrangle their multiple children, and their lil’ war lasted all of about two Clomid cycles.
No, we are not sisters in the struggle.
And may I just say how cathartic the tone of this blog is? I hope it’s okay for someone who has gone the adoption route to chime in. My frontal lobe is intact.
January 26th, 2010 at 3:31 pm
Here from ICLW…and while I have sympathy with this post, I sometimes really really really need to see that people do leave the Land of IF, you know? Sometimes I am in The Bad Place and don’t want to see kids, but more often, I need the reminder that people with difficult stories DO end up parenting.
Sub-divided blogrolls do seem like a good idea, though. I’m always meaning to sort mine out one of these days….