Infertility Is The New Black » Marriage

Where Has All the Romance Gone?

admin — Mon, 12 Oct 2009 16:22:37 +0000

By Jane, Guest Author for ITNB

Looking back, when my husband and I first started trying to conceive, we had this idea that only beautiful lovemaking was going to create our child. Plain old ordinary sex was just not going to cut it, we thought. Nothing but passionate and loving intimacy was going to get us pregnant.

During our first year of trying, I recall a month or two where we decided not to have sex, even though the timing was right. We were tired or otherwise not feeling up to it that day, so we intentionally skipped it. No child of ours is going to be a product of obligatory sex, we insisted. Our mantra became, “Only the most beautiful kind of lovemaking will create our child.”

As it turned out, that was far from the truth. The doctors have since told us that it will be no lovemaking of any kind—obligatory or otherwise—that was going to get us to our goal. Our only hope for conception was going to be quite the opposite of our original thoughts.

Unromantic, indeed! It is far from intimate; mediated by doctors, nurses, and lab technicians. Forget candle-lit dinners; we use thermometers, pee sticks, and specimen collection cups. In fact, there is a great irony to be found in our fertility treatments: My doctor told me that I can bring the semen sample with me when I go for my intrauterine insemination. My husband’s physical presence is not even necessary.

So, no, there will be no romance in our quest for conception. And that’s not to say that there is no romance in our relationship. Sure, it’s still there. What we’ve really lost is the romance of an idea. This idea which now, in retrospect, seems a bit naïve. We’ve lost the romantic notion that our child, if we are blessed with one, will be created from a physical act of love.

ITNB would like to express our thanks to Jane for her article. We think it is something we can all relate to!

Life’s Milestones

ITNB — Thu, 02 Jul 2009 03:09:19 +0000

As we pass through the arc of life the old adage of “we are born, we grow old, etc…” is known to all. When we look at our own expected life milestones there are differences depending on the environment we grew up in. Typically some of the expected events in our lifetimes include; our first words, first day of school, first kiss/love, high school graduation, college graduation, first full-time job, first promotion, meeting our mate, getting engaged, getting married, buying your first home, having a child/children and so on as your children then repeat the milestones.

For the majority of individuals, these steps seem to flow with relative ease. However when you get stuck at one of these steps or one doesn’t happen in the timely manner that you prefer, everything else in your own life plan comes to an abrupt halt as well.

It appears to us that in our society there is a large emphasis on completing the majority of these life tasks. Included in this same emphasis is the overwhelming importance of having children and starting a family. While this is the grand wish of Infertile couples, it only adds to the burden and headache of the current situation.

Infertility treatments can go on for years. It is during these years that time seems to stop and all other milestones take a back seat. Life’s setbacks can occur at anytime to anyone, but Infertility hurts physically, emotionally and sometimes financially. We always find ourselves asking the question, “When will we reach that milestone?”

Am I Broken? / Are We Broken?

ITNB — Tue, 30 Jun 2009 02:30:52 +0000

A pretty typical question couples (or individuals) ask themselves. After being diagnosed with Infertility – you can’t help but feel broken at times. Doctors tell you have this issue, you have that issue, it might be this, it might be that and so on – ahhh! – too much to process.

If you are like us, in addition to feeling broken, you may feel guilt. Although you know that you should not feel broken and guilty because your diagnosis is a physical problem and doesn’t have anything to do with you as a person….it is still a REAL feeling that waxes and wanes.

This guilt sometimes can interfere with your marriage. As a couple, we know that we are in this together, but we can’t help feel that the other would not have to deal with this annoyance if we weren’t married to each other. These feelings can even get to the point where one person actually verbalizes these thoughts by asking the other to leave for greener pastures.

All we can do is try to stay strong and support each other without question. We might not be broken in the true sense of the word, but our hearts surely are…