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Why is it that people with children always have stories about someone they know or someone they heard about having a happy ending when it comes to the struggle with conception? While we know when they share these stories they are just trying to offer us hope, but, it inevitably just leads to more depression when one of these stories does not happen for us.
We cannot tell you how many times we have heard yarns spun about the following;
“My friend struggled to have a baby for years then decided to adopt. They found out they were getting a baby and that same weekend found out they were pregnant!”
Or.
“I heard about a couple who were told they could never have their own child; low and behold they just had their 3rd one last Christmas.”
Or.
“They just kept having miscarriage after miscarriage, they gave up. Then, finally on their 10th try, they had a lovely daughter.”
Or.
“I had a good friend of mine who was also diagnosed infertile; they could not find the problem. Turns out she just needed to relax, so she went on vacation and they got pregnant.”
While these stories are quite common, we all have probably heard variations on all of them. Which ones are true compared to which ones are urban legend is yet to be seen. We personally have not met anyone from these tales who arrived at the storybook ending.
Even though our trials read like a great tragedy and while our ending has not been completely written yet, please stop trying to write it for us.
July 13th, 2009 at 6:45 am
I felt such a cringe of embarrassment as I read this last posting for I know it’s something I have been guilty of, and for that I am sorry. It is so difficult to know what to say, how to be supportive and how to convey a sense of empathy for the struggles you’re going through. I would like to do/say something to be helpful, but it can be painful to know that nothing I say helps and more often hurts.
July 13th, 2009 at 11:37 am
Hubby and I were just discussing this. Every time someone has ever said something like that to us, I have wanted to just slap the crap out of them. In their hearts, I know people are trying to be sympathetic, but it always comes out wrong. Always.
July 13th, 2009 at 12:25 pm
I hate hearing these stories, too. Though I have to say, I actually have friends who have lived some of them: friends who finally had a child after 9 miscarriages, friends who conceived on a ‘break’ cycle after 2 failed IVFs, friends who were approved to adopt and then found out they were pregnant.
Having someone tell me any of these stories, even if it WAS based on personal experience, is not helpful or supportive.
July 13th, 2009 at 6:43 pm
I usually say something back to these anecdotes. The conversation usually ends after that.
Hello- Here to introduce myself and my non profit parenthood for me.org. Please visit my website and blog. We need help spreading the word.
Thanks,
Erica
July 29th, 2009 at 11:21 am
I’ve been trying to have a baby for nine years. No, I still don’t have one. My doctor (a woman whose OWN children are adopted because she couldn’t have biological children) made one of these comments to me recently – something about some person, a patient maybe, who’d tried FOREVER, and just when they thought it would NEVER happen, WOW! SURPRISE! I looked at her after she told me this and said “I’m sure those things do happen to some people, but I am not one of those people and to be honest I’m a little tired of hearing about them.” That shut her up. What I hope it will do in the future though is make her think before she speaks.
It’s hard. And NOBODY knows how you feel. I have another friend who tried to get pregnant for a year and then did on her first insemination. Her baby is now 7 months old. Just a couple of weeks ago I was relaying tales of my re-entry into the land of infertility treatments, the frustration, the heartbreak (the first round of IF ended in severe depression and divorce). Luckily (amazingly!) I healed for the most part and met a wonderful man. Anyway, this friend said “Ug, I know EXACTLY how you feel”. Um, really? No. No, I don’t think you have a single clue.
Hmmm… maybe I’d like to contribute to your blog…