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Avoidance. It is something that we infertile couples tend to do when situations arise that will be emotionally difficult to handle. Strong examples of this would be to decline any and all invitations to baby showers, children’s 1st birthdays, baptisms and the like. Turning these events down does not mean that we don’t care, but rather it brings us face-to-face with the reality of what we are missing and what we are not celebrating. The upset-o-meter tends to rise quickly if all we see are happy parents and happy children to boot.
After a while of non-attendance, we begin to lose touch with those folks that we used to be very close with pre-kids. Since our lives are going in different directions, or better yet, their lives are going in a forward direction and ours has halted, being able to relate becomes more difficult. Even if we were courageous enough to participate in these functions, conversations are difficult because we’re not sharing the same anecdotes related to children’s’ first this and children’s’ first that.
This estranged feeling is not limited to just friends with children. We happen to observe the same awkwardness within our immediate family. When a family member or relative says or does something insensitive to our infertile situation, we again crawl into our shell. These periods of non-contact can go on for months. Even when apologies and forgiveness are issued, there is still a sense of need to be walking on eggshells from all parties.
We are in charge of who we let into our lives. At this point, in the middle of all this madness, it might just be ok to keep the inner circle very small. There is the old saying that we should not run from our problems, we should face them head on. There is also something to be said about avoiding things that make us uncomfortable. Which one is more relevant?
August 28th, 2009 at 10:44 am
I’m not sure if I’ve figured out the answer – but I so needed to see this post. This has been on my mind a lot lately. A LOT. I have become a ’serial’ non-attender for many functions that are kid-centred (showers, especially). I can definitely relate to the estranged feelings that can follow.
Thank you for this.
September 11th, 2009 at 5:09 am
I became infertile at 19. Didn’t think about it much during my 20s. When I married, I immediately gave the DH a timeline of when I wanted to adopt or try surrogacy. It took decades for me to become a mother, at the age of 46, via Traditional Surrogacy. I have twin sons. In all of that time, I worked with children, volunteering, teaching, mentoring. It didn’t get hard until we were actively TTC with our surrogate and month after month of failure.
Once we almost gave up. I could not even go into Walmart, Target, Grocery stores. Seeing families with children was torture. Because I am an older mom my circle of friends have teens for the most part so I didn’t have to limit myself.
However, the overwhelming feeling of devastation and the thought that my dreams of becoming a mother come back to me, fresh as ever, despite toddler twin sons, just reading your topic. It was VERY hard to get out “in the real world” when we were TTC and failing. Before that, no problem. Now that I am a mom, all I can say is this. Do not give up and try because it costs you NOTHING to try. Just sitting and waiting for it to happen, not being proactive, will just cost you a lot of pain.
September 12th, 2009 at 11:34 pm
I really enjoyed your post. I have avoided many a situation because I know how difficult it will be. I even avoid baby-ful neighborhoods in San Francisco where I live. Friends of mine just had a baby but I told them months ago that I could not be a part of their joy. DH has to go to all the first birthday parties of his friend’s children without me (luckily none of my close friends have kids yet). It’s amazing how hard it can be in this kid-centric world we live in. And what sucks the most, is I used to adore that aspect of the world. Small children, the sight of which used to make me so happy, now fill me with sadness and despair. I feel like I’ve lost a part of myself, and I don’t know if I’ll ever get it back.
Thank you for writing this post. It’s nice to feel validated. Good luck on your journey.
October 11th, 2009 at 5:24 pm
oh, i know this all too well: avoidance. i’ve alienated all of my friends and i’ve done a pretty good job of keeping my family at arm’s length as well. but honestly, i don’t think i would do it any other way. it would be too hard if people knew. i can make it up to them later.
December 3rd, 2009 at 2:42 pm
[...] two years because I couldn’t handle seeing kids or because I had just gotten a BFN again (see Becoming Estranged below). In a way, it feels like I’m hiding from my life. I hate that. How much of your life have [...]
January 22nd, 2010 at 5:55 pm
[...] a previous article we mentioned that sometimes we become estranged from friends and family because we just don’t want to face their children-filled realities. [...]