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If friends of yours know you are struggling to conceive they will, at some point, ask that question. We are going to discuss why they ask it and why it’s so wrong to ask it.
We already know that folks who have children have absolutely no clue when it comes to giving support to their infertile friends. They really don’t get it do they? When the above question is asked of us it seems like they’re saying “Well, you tried, just take the next logical step and get your family started.” Other things it appears they are saying are, “We have our own child(ren), so for you adopting will be just like that,” and “Adoption is an easy thing, so get on it.”
Sometimes you get a variation of the question in more of a presented story kind of way. For example, “A friend of mine at work just brought her adopted child into the office, he/she is beautiful.” That basically is telling us to adopt as well.
What we as infertile couples actually hear and think when we are asked that question is really this; “Too bad you’re barren, time to go a different direction, never mind that you will never have the birthing room experience nor get the nine months of planning a nursery etc…” It is this insensitivity to our emotions that we just don’t need to add to our current pile of mess. It appears they think there is a switch that you can just flip that would take us from trying to have our own biological child to an adopted one in the blink of an eye.
Maybe adoption is part of our overall plan or at least it may have been discussed as an option. However, for us to consider adoption just because someone asked us a short, simple question is outrageous. Never mind that the person asking is clueless about our current infertility woes and all the processes we’ve been going through for however many years, but they are also clueless about all the time, effort and possible disappointment that would be involved in a potential adoption. I wonder if these folks were thinking about having a home study done while they were pregnant?
The above question, which is common, is one of those sticky subjects that you just don’t ask of infertile couples. You just don’t ask it period. There are many more we will get into down the line. This one and 5 others made a top 6 list at a great website called the Infertility Warrior blog. The full list can be found here.
